The Critics' Choice: The Best of Crime & Detective TV by Max Allan Collins and John Javna

This relatively slim 1988 book took a poll of mystery writers and TV critics to come up with ratings of TV shows. I was surprised that Classic H50 seemed to be totally missing, especially since there is a picture of Jack Lord on the first (index) page, but comment on it appears at the end of one chapter, sort of buried away. You will probably not like what they have to say!

By the way, their choice for private eye shows in order were The Rockford Files, Harry-O (a stunning example of how network meddling can totally botch up a production!!), Peter Gunn, City of Angels, Tenspeed and Brown Shoe, Perry Mason (!), Magnum, P.I., Richie Brockelman - Private Eye, 77 Sunset Strip and Mannix. The top police procedurals in the poll were Hill Street Blues, Dragnet, Naked City, Columbo, Police Story, The Untouchables, Crime Story, Kojak, Cagney & Lacey and Baretta.

Here are the three shows they really hated, including you-know-what:

Hawaii Five-O. 1968-80

"Book 'em, Danno." Along with "Dragnet," this is the most successful cop show in history. It was among the top 25 shows for most of its twelve-year run, and ranked in the top 10 four times. Significantly, it first appeared as anti-war protests swept America and Richard Nixon was emerging with his new "law and order message." Nixon was elected two months after the show's debut. This is the ultimate right-wing cop show. Steve McGarrett, the head of a Hawaiian special police brigade, is the humorless personification of the penal code, a man who thinks like Joe Friday walks. Lacking compassion or humanity, he embraces the letter of law as if on a holy mission. There's no gray in McGarrett's world; he smugly seems to believe that everyone who disagrees with him is a criminal. You can picture him saying, as Ed Meese once did, "If they weren't guilty, they wouldn't be suspects." There was also something vaguely racist about the "great white father" element of the show, Tarzan in a business suit ordering the natives around. "Hawaii Five-0" was lavishly and attractively produced, and many fine guest stars made appearances on the program (maybe they all wanted to work in Hawaii). So technically, it was a good show. But that doesn't make up for its quasi-fascist message. From a strictly generic standpoint, the authors admit we may have been remiss in not covering this program in more depth. But after all, it's our book and we don't like the show. Our message to McGarrett (Jack Lord): "Book you."

The F.B.I. 1965-74

This could be called, "I was a publicity vehicle for the FBI." It's exactly what you'd expect from an officially sanctioned show about J. Edgar Hoover's agency—a technically perfect bit of hype in which the gray-suited good guys preserve good ol' American values. Interestingly, as is so often the case in this kind of "Gangbusters" presentation, the title heroes emerge as dull, colorless, and humorless, while the villains of the piece come off as vividly portrayed human beings. In the FBI's view of itself, emotions are a flaw, so only criminals have emotions. Efram Zimbalist, Jr. (who has never made a secret of his extreme right-wing politics) starred as Inspector Lew Erskine, whose exploits were supposedly based on real FBI cases. "The FBI" was watchable and popular. It was also reactionary. As civil unrest grew in America, Zimbalist's FBI began taking on radicals, hippie scum, pot smokers, and other enemies of the state, something Hoover clearly wished he could do more actively. During the "77 Sunset Strip" days, Zimbalist was regarded by the national press as a potential superstar. "The FBI," in a weird way, killed his career. It wasn't just the typecasting; Lew Erskine simply wasn't as appealing a persona as Stu Bailey had been. As a P.I., he seemed sophisticated and charming; as a government agent, he came across like the dark side of Ward Cleaver.

S.W.A.T. 1975-76

"S.W.A.T." means "Special Weapons and Tactics," and big-city police forces do have S.W.A.T. teams to handle major emergencies. However, according to real life S.W.A.T. members, the stuff that happened on this show every week represented once-in-a-lifetime experiences. ABC's fictional S.W.A.T. team, led by Hondo Harrelson (Steve Forrest), was about as authentic as a Chuck Norris movie. It had the same appeal, too. What do we do about urban violence and inner city lawbreakers? Call in the S.W.A.T. team and blow them away. We are so offended by the extreme amount of violence in this show that we feel everyone involved with it should be torn limb from...oh...sorry...too much TV.